The Jackman Family

2012-01-22T17:14:00.000-08:00

From the Asbury Park Press newspaper

With my friend and mentor, Kass Martin

I realize that I have been slacking on my blog posts lately. I have probably been slacking in other areas of my life as well...but that is only because Zumba has taken over! Since I certified in December, I have started teaching 3 classes a week, and attending 1-2 others. I also have to find time at home to learn and practice new choreography. So basically, I end up doing Zumba at least an hour a day. Sometimes a lot more.

But it is SO worth it!!

I am hoping within the next few weeks to find a space to rent to start some classes that will actually make me some money. Two of my current classes are at the church, where I am not allowed to charge for my services. I don't mind doing it for free, but I do need to start making some money at some point to pay the bills just to be an instructor. Once I get everything squared away, I hope to teach anywhere from 3-5 paying classes a week. Besides being a great workout and super fun, this would really help out financially in our budget. It feels good to have the potential to contribute in a new way.

Saturday I treated myself to an early birthday present with a ticket to the Asbury Park Zumbathon. My teacher from Utah, Kass Martin, was the special guest instructor, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I talked a friend into going with me, since it was going to be a 4-hour drive each way. Well, with the storm that came through Friday night, it ended up taking us over 5 hours to get there. 5 hours of white-knuckled, heart-pounding, teeth-clenching, near-death driving on unplowed interstates. We danced our hearts out with Kass and hundreds of other adoring fans...my idea of a great time!! She was incredibly inspiring and made me remember why I fell in love with Zumba to begin with.

Thank you, Kass, for all you have taught me. And thank you, Zumba, for giving me something to work for.

Zumbalicious

2011-12-03T16:59:00.001-08:00

Meet Tanya Beardsley and Kass Martin. Everything I know and love about Zumba, I learned from them. They amaze me, inspire me, and make me just a tad jealous.

And now, after a full day of non-stop dancing, I have joined their rank as a certified Zumba instructor!! I know I have a lot to learn, but I am excited to start the journey.

What a Year!!

2011-11-29T18:17:00.001-08:00

My little baby is a whole year old today!! I still vividly remember holding her just after she was born...it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. And she has been such a pleasure to have in our lives. I am so lucky to be Sienna's mommy!

Giving Thanks

2011-11-27T06:03:00.000-08:00

This was our first Thanksgiving without extended family. And it was surprisingly wonderful. I prepared all of our favorites, without feeling obligated to make anything "just because it's Thanksgiving." We stayed in our pajamas most of the day (ok, everyone but me stayed in their pajamas ALL day!). We ate when we wanted. We watched holiday movies. We took naps. It was quiet. It was just what we needed....

because Christmas is going to be CRAZY!!

It's Halloweeeeeeen Time!!

2011-11-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

Although I have very little evidence that Halloween even happened around here, it was actually a huge succcess...

Our Jack-O-Lanterns

Keira posing with the pumpkins

All lit up

Pretty much our only picture of costumes...Keira is a Hunny pot and Sienna is a bumble bee

I took the girls to Story Time at the library on Halloween morning. They read stories and sang songs, then lined the kids up to go trick-or-treating. Keira loved it! Sienna was just excited to get a lollipop.

Keira stayed in her costume most of the day. She was so excited about being a Hunny pot, and was very offended when people didn't guess her costume correctly.

Trick-or-treating in our neighborhood was great. It wasn't too cold, and there weren't too many people. We got to meet a few new neighbors, and the girls were just tiring out as we finished the last houses. Happy Halloween!

Fall in love with Fall

2011-10-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

Gorgeous!! The end.

Something Pinteresting

2011-10-05T12:19:00.001-07:00

So I recently discovered Pinterest. And consequently, my love of easy, cute crafty projects. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to run out and buy a sewing machine and Cricut. But I am having fun, one little project at a time.

Good Times

2011-10-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

It was a good month around here...

Brian ate his first lobster

Kristi cut her hair short

Keira loved going apple picking

Maggie also got her hair cut short (thanks to the clip falling off mid-trim)

And Sienna likes Oreos...but that's not a surprise!

Remember

2011-09-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

It is 10 years later. I still remember where I was that morning. I see how far our country has come in rebuilding. But today, my heart hurts.

Brian and I drove through the flood-ravaged Southern Tier this morning, trying desperately to locate a few of his employees who haven't been heard from in the past several days. While we contacted a few and know they are safe, the destruction we encountered was incredible.

Just at Brian's distribution center alone, 5-10% of his employees have lost everything. It makes me want to cry. I look at the life that we have worked to build for ourselves and our daughters, and I can't imagine what I would do if that were suddenly ripped away. I imagine I would be angry and hopeless and desperate.

And yet...the people we have talked to and encountered are, for the most part, happy! They are happy to be alive. They are happy that their loved ones are safe. They are happy that they have jobs to return to so they can start over. Sure, they are upset about their losses. But they are moving on. They are looking to the future. They are rebuilding.

This is what makes us great. Not necessarily just as Americans - but as human beings. We have the ability to look to the future. To forgive the past. To love unconditionally. To be like Christ. We are amazing creatures, and we don't give ourselves enough credit.

I will never forget September 11, 2001. Nor will I ever forget this flood. But I will always remember - and treasure - the lessons I have learned from both. We live in a scary time, and I'm pretty sure it will only get worse. But we can find so much good in the world, if we just look.

Family Resemblance

2011-09-06T17:25:00.001-07:00

We drove down to PA for Labor Day weekend to see Grandma and the Challen kiddos. Here's what ensued:

Fun Times

2011-08-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

The girls and I have been having a lot of fun lately. If we work around Sienna's nap schedule, we have time to go out and explore every day. We have gone to farms, the river walk, the zoo, the discovery center, and my personal favorite - the grocery store! Hey, I've got to turn it into an adventure, or it's not as fun, right?

There is a tiny hint of fall in the air already. I am very excited for my favorite season...but not looking forward to the winter that is going to follow. Everyone says last winter was unusually cold and snowy...but I have this fear that it is going to turn into the norm while we are here. And I am NOT looking forward to being cooped up in the house with two active little ones for several months! At least Sienna wont be an infant this time, so we can venture out a little more often than when we first got here.

Speaking of adventures...it's time to get Sienna up and go shopping!!

Upstate New York is "Gorges"

2011-08-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

We finally got to see Watkins Glen this weekend. It is the most famous of the gorges in the Finger Lakes Region. And yes, it was beautiful! Another check on the bucket list...

A Few Gems

2011-08-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

We are selling Brian's old iPhone, so I unloaded all of the pictures today before we wiped it clean. There were a few goodies...(and yes, they are out of order)

This damage was done by a leaky sprinkler hose. NOT covered by the HOA, by the way.

Brian's last day at the FEB

Queen Keira, and her chicken nugget

Bona fide Red Sox championship rings. AWE.SOME.

Keira dressed as a Lakers fan. She thought it was ridiculous, too.

She is very upset at this football for some reason

In the rain forest in Puerto Rico

Back in Time

2011-08-03T12:07:00.001-07:00

On Saturday, we took the girls to the Sterling Renaissance Festival.

For $5, you could throw a few tomatoes at this guy while he taunted you. Awesome.
And probably my favorite part of the whole festival.

There were camel rides...

But we decided a horse was more Keira's style.

The rides were all man-powered...after all, there was no electricity back in the Renaissance day.

The entertainment was quirky and, well, Renaissance-y.

Keira didn't trust all the weirdos dressed up in costumes.

It didn't help that it was "Pirate Invasion Weekend."

All in all, it was a great day!! And lots of memories.

Bordering on Idolatry

2011-07-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

Do you know someone who is famous? Or at least almost famous? I do. And her name is Kass. She is an instructor on and QVC presenter for the new Zumba Exhilarate DVD collection. She travels all over the country teaching at conventions and workshops. She has been on TV. Thousands of people have her DVD in their homes (myself included).

But before that, she was my Zumba teacher in Utah. We go way back =) And from the very first time I took her class, Kass became someone I adore. She is quite possibly the cutest, most energetic human being on the planet.

Anyway, she was offering to sell a pair of her Zumba shoes on Facebook yesterday. Since I have wanted some for a while now, and they are the right size, I messaged her and she sold them to me.

The thing is, I don't know if I wanted them more because they are awesome shoes for a great price...or because they have been worn once by Kass! When they arrive in the mail, I will have to decide whether to wear the shoes or enshrine them (just kidding...I will have to convince myself to take them off!!) But I do have to admit, I will feel just a little bit cooler wearing the shoes that once touched the feet of THE Kass Martin.

P.S. Zumba is amazing.

Individuals

2011-07-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

Every day it is more obvious to me that children come to this earth with their own personalities. Even though my two daughters look a lot alike, they are very different in temperament.

Sienna is pretty easy-going. She is a generally happy baby who likes to roll her ankles and randomly squeal in delight. She is normally only fussy when it is time to eat or sleep.

Keira, on the other hand, is a little more tender. She is very sensitive and quick to change her mood. She likes things quiet, organized, and predictable...or pay the price!

But each of them melts my heart in a different way. Each of them completes a different piece of me. And they are both perfect just the way they are.

1. new friends
2. old friends
3. Chinese buffets

Summer Pause

2011-07-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

So what is to blame for taking a month off from blogging this summer?

HEAPS FAMILY REUNION 2011!!

We just returned from a few weeks down with my family in North Carolina. And man, was it fabulous! In fact, it was so great that I am having a hard time choosing which pictures to post here. So instead, you should just go to Facebook and see them all (my sister, Eva Challen, was nice enough to upload all 600!!)

And hopefully, after I get my house back together and stop sweating in this massive heat wave hitting the east coast, I will get back to a regular blogging schedule.

1. family
2. home
3. eternity

Just Desserts

2011-06-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

How often does a "normal" person eat dessert?

Is it ok that I probably eat dessert at least once a day?

How long can I keep up this habit before I start to regret my own culinary skills?

Thankfully, nursing Sienna and the new Zumba Exhilarate DVDs are keeping the pounds at bay...

...for now!

1. Homemade Peanut Butter Cups
2. I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M
3. fruit cobblers

Pitching In

2011-06-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

Now that the pool is open, Keira is learning to help out.

First, she cleans the filter...

Then she checks the temperature...

And after a quick skim, she's ready to swim!!

(Too bad it's still a little too cold...maybe after this weekend?)

1. Bubble Guppies
2. Zumba
3. Butter

Wildlife and Tears

2011-06-14T12:05:00.001-07:00

Woggy the Froggy

Ziggy the Turtle

We took the cover off our pool a few days ago. We quickly discovered that it attracts numerous frogs. We also learned that if Maggie licks a frog, she will foam at the mouth. And that Keira only likes them from a distance. This one made her cry.

Later that night, Brian found a turtle in the road. It looks like it had a fight with a lawn mower, but survived to tell the tale. We brought it inside, but it also made Keira cry.

We let them go out in the field across from our house, and Keira can't stop talking about how much she misses that frog and turtle. Even though they made her cry.

1. Patience
2. Chocolate
3. Yoga

Peace

2011-06-07T08:25:00.001-07:00

This morning was glorious. I woke up to a soft breeze coming through the windows and birdsong out in the trees. And miraculously, my children were still fast asleep. I had time to lounge in bed, wash my face, and enjoy a bowl of cereal without it getting soggy. And still, my children slept. Eventually, I had to check on them to make sure they hadn't stopped breathing or run away in the night. When I was sure they were still alive and in their beds, I baked a loaf of blueberry banana bread. I started a load of laundry. I checked my email. At 9:00, I finally heard them stir. An hour or two of peace does wonders for a woman's sanity!

1. Fans (that double as white noise) in our bedrooms
2. Keira making it through the night WITHOUT a diaper!!
3. Sienna learning to scoot

Rock the House

2011-05-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Daddy came home after being out of town for a few days...and he brought presents! He and the girls promptly started their own band. I'm pretty sure it's going to be the next big thing! Their first album drops next year...

1. having daddy back home
2. air conditioning
3. cool showers

"Fall"ing for Family

2011-05-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend our family took a little trip up to Taughannock Falls. It is actually taller than Niagra, though not nearly as touristy. Sienna seemed to have a great time - smiling ear to ear in every picture - but Keira was a little grumpy. I am sorry to say that she has inherited a little of her mommy's OCD...she would not step on any wet ground because she didn't want her shoes to get dirty (and it had just rained, so finding dry ground was tricky). So daddy ended up carrying her most of the way on his shoulders, Keira brandishing a "magic wand," ala Harry Potter.

We love the great outdoors!

1. Family coming to visit this weekend
2. Playdates(that don't stand us up)
3. Baby teeth - Sienna has 2 now!

Mommy blog madness

2011-05-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to be a better wife and mother. Now don't get me wrong - I think I'm doing a pretty good job. But I know there is always more I can do. Should I soak and sprout my grains? Should I remove all sugar from the house? Should I be more diligent about creating learning moments each day? I don't imagine I will ever feel I am doing enough...and that is a good thing! It is that push to be better that keeps me looking for ways to improve my family life.

Have mothers always felt this way? One hundred years ago, without the influence of television or the Internet, did mothers compare themselves so critically to each other? Without being able to read endless Mommy Blogs, did they realize how disorganized their households were? How boring their nightly meals had become? How plain their frumpy clothes looked? Or did they simply take pride in the simple, small miracles they were accomplishing daily within the walls of their homes?

Now, I do love me a good Mommy Blog. I appreciate learning from the experiences of others. I love enjoying others' creativity and sass. But I need to remember that what I am doing is good. Maybe even great. And that is enough for me.

You've Got a Friend in Me

2011-05-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

See that couple standing in the back of this picture?
They are amazing.
And I miss them.
A lot.

They're the kind of people you can stay up most of the night talking with (and we've done it). When you have a baby, they fill your kitchen with delicious food. When you need something - literally, pretty much anything - they are willing to go out of their way to help. They don't judge, they don't pretend to be what they're not, and they are perfect just the way they are.

We got a good dose of homesickness tonight when we Skyped them. If we still lived next door to them, we would be spending warm afternoons watching the kids play on the grass. We would be taking the kids to the pool when it gets a little warmer. We would be sharing movies and snacks and gossip and toys. But instead, we can see them on the computer and wish we were there.

Don't get me wrong - I think we are in the right place for our family right now. I just wish we could have brought them with us. Maybe someday we can find a way to live near each other again.

Or maybe we will just have to buy a bigger house and have them move in.

1. technology
2. opportunities
3. blessings

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

2011-05-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

...or at least to the Hall of Fame! We woke up Saturday morning and decided to take a little jaunt over to Cooperstown, about 90 miles away.

This may be the closest Nomar ever gets to getting into the Hall of Fame...poor guy!

Brian with a few of his childhood heroes

Keira wasn't having a very good time...too much Yankee stuff!

The perfect Red Sox shrine

She is totally into pitchers...especially Southpaws!

It's been really fun lately to explore some of the fun places around us. We feel like we live in the middle of nowhere...but we are actually kind of in-between everything. We made a list of things we definitely want to do before we move from here, and we are slowly checking them off. Lots more to come!

1. nap time
2. thunderstorms
3. chocolate

Buttermilk Falls

2011-04-24T11:26:00.001-07:00

After a bitterly cold Easter Egg Hunt yesterday morning, we decided to trust the forecast that it would be a beautiful afternoon. We drove up to Ithaca, and had heard great things about Buttermilk Falls...mostly that it would be feasible to hike up and down with two kids in tow.

Other than the first day Sienna was born, this may be one of our only family pictures with all four us. Thank goodness for kind strangers!

My girls and I...hard to believe we are New Yorkers!

I thought this shot of Keira was gorgeous

Keira pouting on the trail on the way back up...filling her with sugar and then skipping nap time probably wasn't the best idea ever.

Sienna - my little Cabbage Patch Doll - in a wild cabbage patch

The hike was wonderful, got us excited for some of the adventures we can go on while we live here in Upstate New York, and was a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon with the family. I'm sure we have many more adventures to come!

1. coconut oil
2. SPRING!!
3. playing Easter Bunny

Battle Royale

2011-04-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have recently decided to try to de-junk my family's eating habits. This is hard enough for me to force myself to do (although Truvia is a pretty awesome sugar substitute). Keira is nearly impossible. Tonight I made her dinner plate: 5 grapes, some shredded cheese, 1 green pepper slice, and 1 piece of chicken sausage. I am tired of her not eating dinner, then talking us into giving her some fruit snacks or Goldfish 20 minutes after we clean up. So we stuck to our guns. She ate a grape. Then some cheese. Then another grape. And she said she was done. No way. We put the piece of chicken sausage on her fork, told her that she could go outside to play after she ate it, and waited for the reaction. What we got was 30 minutes of screaming, being sent to the stair, begging for hugs, and gagging. Finally, I cut off a piece of meat literally smaller than my pinkie fingernail. She put it in her mouth and spit it out several times before we coaxed her to just chew it and drink some apple juice. With that one bite, she is now allowed to play until bedtime. That wasn't so hard, was it?! Okay, it was.

1. the Flat Belly Solution
2. slowly increasing self-control
3. shelled walnuts

Mister Bunny

2011-04-12T09:24:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all the cute clothes, Auntie Kimmie!

At least they are both looking at the camera, right?

I love how Keira totally doesn't trust the Bunny

So last night we told Keira about the Easter Bunny, and that if she is really good for the next two weeks, he will bring her some candy on Easter. This morning she hopped into my bed with me and told me that she wanted to see "Mister Bunny" and ask him to bring her some special chocolate treats. So we got dressed up in our spring best, and headed to the mall. You know, I actually did plan on buying a ridiculously priced photo to send to Grandmas and Grandpas...but I had a sneaking suspicion that we wouldn't get any good shots. And I was right. I got the three best pics on my camera, while the lady there got nothing worth buying. So we walked away...and that was perfectly fine with me.

And I'm sure Keira will be excited on Easter when "Mister Bunny" brings her some special chocolate treats.

Banishment

2011-03-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

The family has been sick for over a week now. Luckily, Keira has only had a cough and the baby has been fine. But Brian and I have had a myriad a symptoms ranging from a fever and chills to a sore throat and headache. Pretty miserable stuff. And since we don't really have health insurance for the first 60 days here, we hesitate to go to the doctor.

So today I decided I have had enough. I am washing clothes, sheets, towels, and blankets. I threw away several plastic bottles that have been shared. And I spent a good portion of the morning spraying Lysol on pretty much every surface in the house. Sickness, you are hereby BANISHED!!

1. a nurse mother
2. hand-me-downs
3. our fireplace

Spring Fever

2011-03-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

The family and I hopped in the Pilot and drove 3 hours south on Saturday morning to see my sister, her family, and my mom. When we got there, the weather was great - windy, but warm. The grass was starting to green and there were leaves starting to bud on the trees. It was beautiful! And we started to get excited about spring. After all, we had started seeing patches of grass appearing through the snow on our own lawn...spring can't be that far away, right?

Then we drove home. It was raining in Pennsylvania. More like pouring, I suppose. And the rain continued for 2/3 of the drive home. Then it turned to slush. Then snow. Then more snow. It took an extra hour to get home - which was a better fate than the dozens of cars we saw off the side of the highway. And the snow just kept coming.

Brian got a call at 10 pm that his work was going to have a 2 hour delay. When he got up this morning to shovel, he got a call that we were in a state of emergency and no one was allowed on the roads until at least 10 am. So we got to relax a little this morning before he took off...after the snow was shoveled, of course.

And now the roads are clear and it's actually pretty nice out. But there are almost 2 feet of new snow on top of what was already here. And spring feels like it is a million years away again. Sigh.

1. ALDI grocery stores
2. 4-wheel drive
3. ice melt

A Great "Discovery"

2011-03-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

We have been living in New York for 2 weeks now...and I have been looking for something fun to do with the girls while it is still cold outside. And today we "discovered" it....the Binghamton Discovery Center! I bought a pass that will get the entire family in for a year for $65, and it includes discounted admission to the zoo next door for $2 a person. Keira LOVED it! We walked around playing with things for almost 3 hours before we got hungry and had to head home.

I think her favorite was the jet cockpit. She sat there for several minutes, just pushing buttons and steering. She also kept counting down to BLASTOFF!

Keira got her first taste of the dentist's chair...without actually having to go to the dentist.

She tried on the fireman's hat, but it was "super heavy." At least the fire engine had working lights and siren.

We relaxed for a few minutes in a canoe. We had to put on our life jackets, "so we can be safe." (thanks, Dora) We didn't catch any fish, though. Probably because Keira only wanted marshmallows.

There was also a post office, bank, grocery store, optometrist, hospital, news room, and TONS of other exhibits. When the weather is nice, they have an adorable Story Garden outside where the kids can sit on artsy benches and read. I have a feeling this one will definitely be worth the money.

1. sunshine
2. productive days
3. being driving distance from family

Homeless no more

2011-02-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

For the past two weeks I have been stressing about where we are going to live when we get to New York. We had to choose a date for the moving company to come get our stuff, but we still did not have an address to give them for delivery. It was really unnerving to envision us driving all the way across the country, and have nowhere to put our belongings. Fortunately, this pretty little number fell into our laps and we are happy to say that this will be home for at least the next year. It is very comparable to the house we live in now, and I think that will make the move easier. We were afraid that we were going to have to take a step backward with this move, but now I feel like we are ready to take three steps forward.

As far as moving goes, I have done everything I can think of. Utilities are set up, change of address cards submitted, moving van scheduled, car maintenance done, bank accounts consolidated, kitchen emptied of perishable foods...I feel like there is so much to do, but all I really have to do is sit here and wait for a crew to come pack up the house and take everything away. And I am SO grateful that someone else is taking care of all of that. Moving will be hard enough with the two girls - I can't imagine having to do the moving ourselves, too.

So Brian, Sienna, and I will take off on our cross-country drive next Monday. We will travel for 3-4 days, wait for the van to show up, hopefully get the house in order, and start to settle in. Keira and her grandma are flying out on the 20th. And then our new life begins for real. Crazy!

1. relocation companies
2. my sanity
3. family

my hero

2011-02-02T16:16:00.000-08:00

*Eva, before you get mad, remember that you took this picture yourself*

My sister Eva is amazing. Not just a little amazing. Very amazing. She is doing us the BIGGEST favor this weekend...one that really will make a difference in the next couple years of our lives. She is going to pack her kids in the car, drive 3-4 hours in winter weather, and spend the day looking at houses for us in New York. We just don't have time to get back out there ourselves, and the moving company is coming for our stuff next week! Having her check out the properties we have picked out makes me much more comfortable with moving in somewhere I have never actually seen.

So now you know that Eva is amazing. But I'm sure you had probably figured that out on your own. And you should tell her next time you see her!

1. EVA
2. EVA
3. EVA

Start Spreading the News

2011-01-26T07:08:00.000-08:00

It is finally official...we are moving to New York!! When I say this, most people automatically assume that I mean the city.

But what I actually mean is the rolling hills of the Susquehanna River Valley. Small towns, no traffic...that's more like it!

Brian has accepted a job at a Best Buy distribution center in Nichols, New York. His first day is February 21st, so we will be out of here in just a few weeks. Luckily, the job comes with a generous relocation package, so the move is pretty much taken care of. The hardest part now is leaving the home we love - and have only been in for a year! (we really need to stop moving so much)

We flew out to the area last weekend to check it out and look for housing. It was definitely a stressful experience. We are used to Utah real estate and taxes...and were SHOCKED by the difference in NY. Our current rental property has about $67 a month in property taxes, with a market value of about $140,000. That same house in NY would most likely have about $400 a month in taxes...possibly more, if it were in a nice town! So finding a house was pretty much impossible. Which is why we have decided to rent. Once we get a place nailed down to move into, we will both feel a lot better. Until then, my days are filled with searching craigslist postings and leaving voicemails.

This is going to be a challenging experience. My biggest motivations are job stability/opportunity and proximity to my family. Brian will have so many chances to move up and grow in this company, and I am so excited to be getting closer to almost everyone in my family (sorry for leaving you alone in Utah, Will). I am nervous about not knowing anyone. I am not thrilled that it was -25 degrees when we were there. I know there will be times I regret this decision. But I also know it will be good for us - we will finally be grown-ups! I can't wait for the summer and fall to see the trees in the valley and on the hills. I am excited to experience the diversity that comes from moving out of Utah. And I know it will be worth it.

1. moving companies
2. gut feelings
3. Brian's amazing resignation experience

Here She Is...

2010-12-29T08:21:00.001-08:00

SHIVA!!

As the 2010 winner of the Challen Family Fantasy Football League, I have many people to thank.

I suppose I should thank my husband first, since he insists that he helped me with my draft. He also lost to me 3 times this season, which certainly helped my winning record.

I need to thank Adrian Peterson, my first pick, for showing up 90% of the time (I will look past the other 10%, since I didn't play you in the the championship game. My bad.) Also Manning to Collie, the duo who scored me a consistent 30+ points per game until Collie got the first of his three concussions. And in a vital supporting role, Jason Witten. I stuck with you and you really came through for me.

One person I am NOT going to thank is Steve Smith, who was a total bust. And I couldn't even drop him. Lame.

I certainly can't credit my entire win to my own management skills - if you notice my bench in the last game, you will see a LOT of points sitting there. But at least it wasn't nearly as many points as Damon sat out. And in the end, that made the difference. So a huge nod to Lady Luck, who obviously smiled on me this season.

I look forward to spending a fun-filled off season with my new BFF, Shiva. And I will certainly feel the pressure to defend her next year. But until then, the rest of you guys can bite me! Love ya!

Self-less

2010-12-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

I had completely forgotten how easy it is to forget to take care of yourself when you a have a new baby. Luckily, I have to take care of Keira as well, so I do manage to sneak bites of food here and there. But showering, getting dressed, and eating actual meals all tend to take a back seat to making sure my baby is content.

In good news, the baby weight is coming off faster than I had imagined. Maybe it is because Sienna is eating just about as many calories as I can consume. Maybe it is because I drink countless ounces of water each day and am constantly chasing Keira around the house. Or maybe it is just because I am dang lucky. Whatever it is, I sure am grateful.

1. exciting prospects...hopefully I will be able to write about it soon!
2. portable DVD players
3. food storage

The Fast and the Furious

2010-11-29T19:39:00.001-08:00

She's here!! Sienna Grace Jackman made her appearance today at 12:30 pm. Now here's the whole story...

Finally accepting that I was going to be induced, I was told to wait for a phone call this morning. They would give me 30 minutes' notice to get to the hospital. I obviously woke up early - 4:30 to be exact - partly because of nerves, partly because I was starving. So I ate some cereal and tried to go back to sleep. I started having some intense contractions, but managed to doze until 6:45 or so. Then I got up and started getting ready. Longest. Morning. Ever.

The call finally came around 8:00. Brian got up to shower and I got all of my bags ready. Then we headed out (good thing we live close to the hospital...the snowy roads were a little scary). They got us all checked in and comfy. Then came the fun part.

By about 9:30, Dr. Melendez was breaking my water. Then they started the pitocin and we waited to see how my body would react. The movie "Big" was on tv, which was a nice distraction as the contractions got closer and closer together. At first, I didn't think my body was reacting very well. The first several times the nurse checked me, I seemed stuck around 4cm. But soon, the contractions were building and I was 6.5 cm. I tried sitting on the birthing ball for a while, but the nurse was a little afraid to have me out of the bed...she had a gut feeling this would be a fast delivery. At this point it was too late to ask for pain medication, so I prayed I would be able to have another positive natural childbirth experience.

Around noon she checked one more time and ran to page the doctor. He was stuck in traffic on his way here, but really close by. I tried laying on my side and willing my body not to push...but I couldn't hold it any more. The nurse finally called for back-up, figuring she might have to start delivering this baby herself. Just then, Dr. Melendez ran in. They got the bed ready, put my legs in the stirrups...and it was time to push! Three contractions later, Sienna Grace was lying on my chest. A total of three hours from start to finish. Not bad for a morning's work!

6 pounds 9 ounces, 19 inches long, blond fuzz

All in all, it was amazing. It was faster and easier than Keira's birth - which was pretty fast and easy. And now I have two beautiful daughters. It still doesn't seem real. But it seems pretty amazing.

1. modern medicine
2. a high pain tolerance
3. an incredibly supportive husband - even if he doesn't know how much he helped

The Countdown

2010-11-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

It's a beautiful day. There are several inches of new snow, the Christmas tree is lit, the house smells like cloves and cinnamon. All is peaceful. Except my nerves.

Barring an ironic miracle, I will be headed to the hospital tomorrow morning to be induced. This little girl started giving us false alarms 8 weeks ago, and now refuses to come out. My body is ready, my baby is not. I am not excited about induction - the drugs, the intensity, the very planned nature of it all. But I need this baby out. I have never been this uncomfortable for this long. And I am so looking forward to holding little Sienna in my arms.

I had a natural childbirth with Keira, and I loved it. I am a little afraid I will cave with the pitocin and want an epidural. But knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel will hopefully be enough to motivate me to keep going.

P.S. I am actually looking forward to a couple of quiet days in the hospital. Am I crazy?

1. the nesting instinct
2. doctors who listen
3. new baby smell (they should make air fresheners in this scent)

Ripped Off

2010-11-15T18:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever checked your car's owner's manual to see how often they recommend you change your oil? I always figured the industry standard was 3000 miles. But apparently, that is the oil change industry standard. I checked my manual the other day...and was shocked to see the my car really only needs an oil change every 7500 miles. What?! I could have saved a TON of money up to this point! You can bet I wont be lining up at Jiffy Lube quite as often anymore.

1. a few hours at a time without contractions
2. good neighbors
3. library books and movies

Try, try again

2010-11-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

I have been trying for WEEKS to write a new post on here...we finally wiped our computer and I'm hoping that fixes the problem. Here goes nothing....

1. external hard drives
2. countdown to labor
3. warm baths

Getting Ready

2010-10-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

While I am FAR from ready for this baby to come, apparently my body is already getting prepared.

I went into Labor & Delivery on Saturday because I was having some bleeding. That turned out to be nothing to worry about, but they did inform me that I am dilated to a 2 and regularly contract every 3 minutes. Really?! I'm less than 32 weeks, and it is way too early to think about what would happen if she decided to make her appearance.

Brian and I are driving to California this week for a wedding and to see some family. My mom made me promise to take a few emergency supplies with us, just in case there is a birth in the middle of the desert. While I don't plan on Sienna's birth being quite that exciting (and scary), I will be glad when the trip is over and we are home safe and sound.

1. Thunderstorms and cool breezes
2. Heating pads
3. Orange juice

Fruits of My Labor

2010-09-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, this was not the most fun I've ever had on a weekend. But after hours (and hours and hours) of standing in the kitchen, it is pretty satisfying to look at the 45+ quarts of fruit I have to show for it. So far I have peaches, pears, tomatoes, and pear butter. The peach honey is still in the crock pot, and I need to borrow a strainer before I commit to doing applesauce. I also think I will do another box of peaches, since they are so easy.

I have a new-found respect for my mother. She used to can fruit every fall, and we would end up with a pantry FULL of jars. I never knew how much work that actually is. But I am grateful for her example, and for the availability of amazing fresh fruit. I will be even more grateful when we open the jars in the winter and can still taste a little bite of summer whenever we want.

Now it's time for a bubble bath and a foot rub. Oh, Brian....

1. a clean kitchen
2. preparedness
3. smells from my childhood

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2010-09-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

No, not Christmas...Fall!!

I have to admit, the weather has not cooperated lately - it has been much too hot here in Utah. But I am hoping that within the next couple of weeks, I can break out my sweaters and warm socks, sip hot drinks while cuddled in a blanket reading a good book, and watch the leaves change from green to gold to red. Rain showers are welcome, cool breezes are refreshing, and an abundance of fall fruits are ripe for the picking (or canning or freezing or making into jam).

Speaking of fruits, I picked up a few boxes today. I am most excited about the Lemon Elberta peaches from Allred's in Provo. My mom always got these, and they are divine! I am hoping the canning process is a little easier this time, as I mangled most of them on my first try. I think the problem was that I was too eager to start and didn't let them get quite ripe enough. So this time, I have them all out on a sheet in the nursery, patiently waiting for a bunch of them to be perfect.

I also picked up some nice pears. Some of them are on the small side, but that shouldn't affect their taste - I tried one and it was certainly delicious. I may see some Pear Butter in my future...

I think this is the season when I miss New England the most. Baseball pennant races, pick-your-own fruit orchards, pies, rain, leaf-peeping...it just doesn't get any better than that. Some day I hope to live back that way so my children can know the real magic of Fall. Until then, we'll have to make do here in Utah.

1. weekend trips to see my siblings
2. stocking up for the winter
3. dishwashers

Big Girl

2010-09-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

It's that time. Time to potty train Keira. I would LOVE for her to be out of diapers before Sienna comes. Earlier this week, we bought a new potty chair and some Yo Gabba Gabba underwear. Keira was pretty excited to play with them, though the actual idea of using the potty seemed to scare her.

I decided to try the 3-day Naked Potty Training method. We have finished two days, and everything seems to be going well. Of course, there have been a few accidents - especially when she gets really distracted. But she has been a champ and it hasn't been too bad. I do, however, think that it will take WAY more than 3 days to make it a habit for her. But I have time and patience (hopefully enough of both), and we will just keep working on it. I am on my way to having a big girl in the house!

1. absorbent towels
2. bribery treats
3. flushing toilets

Push-over

2010-08-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

I spent the last few days moving toys into the basement, finishing the paint on Keira's dresser, and rearranging furniture in her new room. Yesterday, things were finally finished. And oh so cute!!

Nap time was the first experiment. FAIL. I spent an hour laying next to Keira in her toddler bed while she poked my face, played with my hair, and threw her stuffed animals around the room.

Well, maybe bedtime would be better, right? WRONG. She was so scared of being in a new bed in a new room. After a few minutes of calming her down, I asked if she wanted to sleep in her crib. A very enthusiastic yes was the reply. She slept the rest of the night like usual.

So today, I put the crib in her big girl room. I figure, worst case scenario we will have to buy a new crib for the new baby. But maybe by the time Sienna actually needs a crib, Keira will be excited about the idea of a big girl bed. Maybe.

For now, I think Keira knows she is still in charge.

1. WinCo Foods bulk section
2. FreeCycle
3. fruit fly traps

25 weeks (and 4 years)

2010-08-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

So here it is...the long-awaited belly shot. This is 25 weeks....pathetic, I know. But I am grateful that I can still wear most of my normal clothes, at least for a few more weeks. Everything is looking and measuring great, and I don't anticipate any problems from here on out. I just started working out this week (I realized how healthy I was when Keira was born and don't want to feel like a slug this time around), and I am hoping that as soon as I get over being tired and sore, maybe I will get more energy. We'll see.

Tomorrow is our 4th wedding anniversary. It sure seems longer than that - in a good way, of course! I hear so many people talk about how hard marriage is, and I can only think, "Being married to Brian is one of the easiest things I've ever done." He is an amazing guy and I can't wait to spend forever with him.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Keira!!

2010-08-07T20:56:00.001-07:00

While Keira's actual birthday is not until Monday, we celebrated today before my dad has to fly home. I have to say that I am very proud of the Foofa cake I made for her. And the party was a smashing success (read: there were only a couple of meltdowns and it didn't rain).

1. good friends
2. family birthday parties
3. bedtime

Locavores (google it)

2010-08-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

I know some of you are probably already tired of me talking about this book. But honestly, it is something I think everyone should read. Yes, it was entertaining. But by the end of the first chapter, something inside of me had changed and I have not been able to stop thinking about it.

Where does the food you eat come from? And what are the ramifications of the food industry in the country? As I watch my daughter grow (and feel a new life inside me), I wonder what kind of a world we are leaving for them. The food industry as it exists today is destroying our country, one precious acre at a time. But we can help change that.

Please read this book. And then research places to buy local foods in your area. I recently discovered the Jacob's Cove Heritage Farm in Orem, UT that runs a CSA (community supported agriculture) program. We are planning on signing up for the next block of shares starting in October.

This is more than a trend. This is not just a chic fad. With the efforts of enough people, this could change our world for the better. Now, excuse me as I find a ladder to get down from this soapbox =)

flashbacks

2010-08-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

So I found this gem of a photo at my parents' house while I was visiting. This is the day I went into labor with Keira...she was probably born about 12 hours later. I sure hope I look that good at 38 weeks this time around!

Sienna is still not showing much, but she sure does like to dance! I am finding at this point that my pregnancies have been very similar, which bodes well for me. Hopefully I can stay as active and healthy as last time, and have just as wonderful of a birth experience.

1. homemade bread
2. options
3. family coming to visit

the big reveal

2010-07-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

And the baby is....

ANOTHER GIRL!!!!

Unless we change our minds on the name, Sienna Grace Jackman will join our family in a few months. She is measuring a few days small, so hopefully she will be another little peanut. But everything looks great and we are so excited.

1. sisters
2. farmers markets
2. sleep

Good Friends

2010-07-15T09:31:00.001-07:00

Every morning when I open the blinds, Keira runs to the window to see if her friends next door are up and ready to play. She keeps an eye on the windows until we catch sight of them, when she squeals and runs to the door. They spend the rest of the day - and pretty late into the evenings lately - playing, taking walks, and sharing snacks. These three are so good with Keira, and I know it has been good for her to have older kids to model after. I am grateful for good neighbors and good friends!

1. the Lord knows where we need to be
2. opportunities for growth
3. Keira cuddles

Belly Shot

2010-07-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

I know with this title, you are probably expecting a cute picture of my 20-week belly. But honestly, it would be super disappointing. This pregnancy is following the same pattern as the first, and you still can't even tell I am prego. Yes, I have gained some weight. But it looks more like too many Ding-Dongs, and less like a baby is in there. So I will hold off on the belly shots until something more impressive pops out.

By the way, our ultrasound is Monday, so stay tuned for the big news!!

1. air conditioning
2. good neighbors
3. price matching

Hit the road....

2010-07-08T14:35:00.000-07:00

...and the road will hit back!!

Keira had a small accident with a neighbor while on a walk this morning.
She's got the raspberry to prove it.
She is going to grow up to be one tough cookie!!

1. warm summer evenings
2. clean windows - inside AND out
3. baby kicks

Happy birthday, America!

2010-07-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

There is something about patriotism that just makes me smile.

1. Remembering our freedoms
2. Fireworks with kids
3. 2 weeks until we know what this baby is!

Keira in Captivity

2010-06-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dad

2010-06-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have no shortage of amazing men in my life.

I have been blessed with a father who, while we did not always see eye to eye, always knew what was best for me...and waited (as patiently as he could) for me to figure it out for myself.

I have two perfectly lovable grandfathers. A little crazy sometimes, and they definitely march to the beats of their own drummers. But I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I have a father-in-law so similar to me that it is almost impossible for us to get along sometimes! But he has triumphed through some of the hardest things possible in this life, and has come out on the other side a strong man and devoted father. He helped shape the most important man in my life.

I have an amazing husband. I don't think he realizes how wonderful he is. I don't think he knows the strength he is to me. I don't think he gets how important his role is in my life and the lives of our children. But he is all of these things and more. He is my everything.

And I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. He knows all of my fears and hopes and dreams. He knows my weaknesses and strengths. He knows my needs and desires. And He wants only the best for me, if I will take advantage of His guidance.

Wow, I am one lucky woman!

Blessed

2010-06-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

The past few days, I have been looking around me and realizing how incredibly blessed I am. I also realized that I do not fully take advantage of all of my blessings. I want to commit myself to making the most of the life I have been given. I want to fully appreciate the tender mercies that touch my life daily. And I want to be a blessing in the lives of others. I know this comes naturally to some. But to me, stubborn as I am, I will need to work on it. But I know that I will see miracles, love more deeply, and cultivate lasting friendships.

Farm Country

2010-06-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

We decided to take a trial run of the zoo by visiting Farm Country at Thanksgiving Point. The drive is much shorter and the price is much lower, giving us the option of bailing quickly if need be. However, Keira LOVED it and made the trip well worth our while.

She has no idea how cute this picture is, but someday she will appreciate it as much as we do.

There were several animals that let us touch them. Keira was a little nervous, but thought they were pretty awesome.

She can always get her dad to act like a little kid.

This was my favorite part. Our admission came with two tickets to ride the ponies. Keira took them both...and cried when we were done. I was so surprised, seeing as she was scared last time we tried to put her on a carousel. She was a natural - holding on with one hand and getting mad if we tried to hold on to her. We will definitely be making another visit there.

1. my loving and wonderful husband
2. we found Opie a wonderful new home
3. having Keira back home

Go towards the light!

2010-06-03T08:52:00.001-07:00

You see that? It's the light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm going to reach it, dang it!

I am now 14 weeks. This is about the time I started feeling better with Keira - and I LOVED the rest of my pregnancy. I am determined that this will be the last week I feel like this. I WILL feel better soon! I have had a few really good days lately (of course, they were mixed in with a few of the worst days I've had so far). But each good day reminds me that there are countless good days ahead and that I have so much to look forward to.

This experience has really made me appreciate the Savior and His Atonement. Imagine what life would feel like if there was no way to ever relieve the burden of sin and pain. It would be unbearable. I have suffered for 8 weeks knowing it was all going to be worth it - without Christ, all suffering would be endless and pointless. I am so grateful for a way to heal, a way to be whole again. We are so loved, and so blessed.

1. being born of goodly parents
2. orange sherbet
3. valuable alone time

1 trimester down, 2 to go!

2010-05-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

So here is the update:

I will be 13 weeks on Wednesday. It has been MISERABLE!! I finally gave in and went to the hospital for an IV on Friday, which seemed like it was really going to help. Saturday was amazing - almost normal, even! And then Sunday kicked in and I spent most of the day in the bathroom. Today is no better. So I am spending my days in bed, just waiting for my body to stop attacking itself. What scares me is that some women experience morning sickness for several more weeks or months! I'm not sure I could deal with that. I've lost 8 pounds in the last couple of weeks, and I don't want it to start being detrimental to the baby. So all of my hopes and prayers are that this winds down in the next week or two. Fingers crossed!!

1. One good day to get us through this.
2. Knowing that a little baby is waiting on the other side.
3. A dark, quiet bedroom.

Joy of Joys

2010-05-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

While this picture is actually of my pregnancy with Keira, this is pretty much what I have looked like for the last 4 weeks. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for my mother-in-law, who has graciously taken Keira off my hands like 90% of the time...all three of us are better off for it!

I am hoping that relief is right around the corner. Prescriptions have yet to offer any help, and the smell of most food is enough to chase me from the room for hours on end. Some days are better than others...these are the days I can actually take a shower and leave the house for a few minutes at a time. But on the bad days, I just have to focus on the little spirit I am housing. It will all be worth it in the end.

I will be 11 weeks tomorrow. Maybe I will be one of the lucky percentage that feels better by 12 weeks??

1. Pop-tarts
2. a third bathroom that I can use exclusively for puking
3. sonogram pictures

Spring Fever

2010-04-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

Keira has been having a blast this spring. We just spent over two weeks in North Carolina with Grandma Heaps. She got to play in the sandbox for the first time.

She has learned the art of cookie dough eating from her dad.

She is learning to drive. Or at least pretending to.

She got all dressed up for Red Sox opening day. And celebrated when they beat the Yankees!

In loving memory of Beezer's, she enjoyed her first Chicago dog.

To be totally honest, Keira is enjoying Spring a lot more than I am. At 9 weeks, I am in the throes of morning sickness...which takes up most of my day and evening as well. But I realize this is a necessary stop on the way to another baby, so I am patiently riding it out. Hopefully in the next few weeks it will run its course and I can be back to feeling good!

1. less throwing up than expected
2. an amazing husband
3. looking forward to the future

Try, try again

2010-04-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Many of you might know that I lost a baby back in February. Well....

SURPRISE! I'm 7 weeks again - and feeling great! In fact, I am ravenously hungry most of the time. I do expect to get sick at any moment...I just pray that it holds off until after my flight to North Carolina tomorrow.

While there is always a little nagging fear in the back of my mind, there is nothing that should be making me worry. I have an appointment with the OB/GYN when I get back, and we are well on our way to #2. Rest assured, we'll keep you updated.

1. Second chances
2. Trips to see mom & dad
3. Kids under 2 fly free

Worth a Thousand Words

2010-03-26T20:16:00.001-07:00

If this doesn't make you smile, nothing will.

Keira's World

2010-03-22T16:57:00.001-07:00

Don't jump! Come down and we will give you anything you want!!

Feeding/chasing ducks is one of her favorite activities

Bean Museum - she LOVED the elephant! Can't wait to take her to Hogle Zoo

So we found this car at DI for $2....and now she can sit in her own drive-in movie!

Keira is a princess...and she knows it!

Now that the weather is getting warmer, Keira and I have been spending a lot more time outside (and a lot less time with Dora). She loves anything to do with animals, and wants to go to the park every day. I can't wait until our neighborhood pool opens and we can spend our afternoons splashing around.

We took Keira's bottles away cold-turkey a couple of weeks ago. For 3 or 4 days she walked around making the sign for milk and crying. I would give her milk in a sippy cup, but she obviously wanted the bottle, not the milk. But she is finally over that hump, and we just need to make sure she eats her cheese and yogurt, since she wont drink milk anymore.

Anyone who has ever had a 20-month-old knows that life with children is rewarding and challenging all in one. Keira is strong-willed, stubborn, easily frustrated, and demanding. But she can also be sweet, funny, silly, cuddly, and adorable. Welcome to Keira's World!!

1. mommy/daughter time
2. finally feeling like I'm getting the hang of this motherhood thing
3. new digital cameras

Home Sweet Home

2010-02-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

So we are finally all moved in and settled...and it feels DIVINE! I have been on cloud 9 for the past 4 weeks, just enjoying my new home. And I really do enjoy it. Here are a few reasons why:

1. My kitchen

I have LOVED cooking meals for my family again. And grocery shopping. And the dishes. I just love being in the room....which is probably why I spend most of my day in here.

2. My dining room

We have only eaten dinner as a family in our own home at the dining room table ONCE before we moved here. Now we eat here every night...if for no other reason than we don't want any spills on the new couch. But I think it makes dinner more special.

3. My living room

While still a work in progress, I love how big the space is. We have plenty of room for Keira and the dogs to run around, and the couch is big enough for us both to lay down and be comfortable. We are still waiting on bookshelves, and that should fill some of the empty space.

4. My bathrooms

This is the only bathroom that has been painted, but the other two will probably end up the same color. I love it - so relaxing!

5. Keira's playroom

It has been wonderful to have a room where we can just throw the toys and close the door (I cleaned it for the first time yesterday, which is the only reason it is tidy in the picture). When the next baby comes, this will be Keira's room, and it is HUGE!

6. Keira's room/the nusery

This room is so cute, but plenty big for a baby. When the next baby gets here, it will be right next door to the master.

7. Our bedroom

I can't wait to get some paint and more stuff hanging on the walls, but I love this room. It is so comfortable. We even have room to move up to a king bed if we want!

So this is what has been keeping me busy lately. I love my life.

1. Not living in a fixer-upper anymore.
2. Parking in the garage for the first time.
3. Picking paint colors.

Pictures with Santa

2009-12-10T16:11:00.000-08:00

So last week, the Macy's Santa came to the mall near our house. It was his only stop in Utah on his national tour, so we couldn't pass up the opportunity to see him. Keira, obviously, wished that we had stayed home. Priceless.

1. digital cameras
2. Christmas carols
3. spending the holidays with most of my family this year

Changes

2009-11-30T12:33:00.001-08:00

We are closing on our house this afternoon (knock on wood, as everything has gone wrong so far today)! So at the beginning of January, we will be moving into our own place again - where we plan on staying for the next 8-10 years. I can't even describe how excited I am to get in and paint and decorate and just have my own space again. We are forever grateful for being able to live here with Brian's parents for these 5 months, but I will forever be even more grateful that we are able to be on our own.

We have also decided to try for #2 early next year. We have an Aflac policy starting tomorrow, so the 30 day waiting period will be over about the time we move. Our health benefits for this next year are fantastic, so we wanted to have the baby while we know we are covered. Now let's just hope it's as easy the second time around!

Just 3 weeks until we leave for Christmas - and just 17 days until Will gets home from his mission! Wow, time flies.

1. email apologies
2. personal space
3. cleansing tears

New addition

2009-11-21T20:51:00.001-08:00

Keira with Wilson and Opie

Brian loves his puppy

Optimus Prime (aka Opie)

So, since we are 99% sure we are moving into our new house in January, we decided to add a new member to the family. This is Optimus Prime, or Opie for short. He is an 8-week-old English Bulldog. And he is awesome.

Brian and his brother, Derrick, have always wanted bulldogs. So when they found these for sale, they couldn't pass them up. So far, they are the greatest dogs. They are quiet, playful, super cuddly and loyal, and attract a LOT of attention! Everywhere we go, people want to play with them. They have to live at a friend's house for now, but it will be fun to be in our new house with our new dog in a few weeks.

And just to see if people are actually paying attention to this, we might be adding another new addition to the family next year...

1. cuddly little puppies
2. puppy potty pads (and air freshener)
3. thick blankets on cold nights

Serendipity

2009-11-06T22:28:00.000-08:00

This has been one CRAZY week! Here's what went down:

We have been living with Brian's parents for a few months, saving money for a house. Tuesday night we decided to extend our search to include townhomes in the area, since you can get a really nice one for a lot less than a house. We found one we liked and wanted to see, so we set up an appointment for Wednesday at lunch.

The first townhome was a total bust - dirty and falling apart and really disappointing. But I had seen online that there was another one in that community for sale, at a much lower price. We decided to knock and check it out...and it was amazing! Pristine, fully finished, beautifully decorated, something we could actually see ourselves in. But it was under contract. And the owner let it slip that it was a VERY low price. We thanked her for letting us look around and got on with our day.

Not 30 minutes later, we got a call from the owner's real estate agent. She said how much the owner had liked us, and that there was a way for us to get the place under contract. The existing contract was set to expire that night at 9:00, so if we made an offer before then, they would give it to us. That gave us like 6 hours to make a decision!! We talked to a lender and everything worked financially, but we weren't getting confirmation either way. We procrastinated as long as possible, even going back with a contract in hand just minutes before the deadline. We were literally a signature away from buying, when Brian got the feeling that this was not our home. Nice, but not ours. We walked away.

I really didn't think a whole lot more about it. But Brian had left his coat there, so we needed to go back on Thursday to pick it up. After retrieving the lost jacket, we decided to turn left instead of right and go get some food. Just blocks down the street I decided on a whim to turn into a development that we have had our eyes on for months. It is cute and charming...and way too expensive. As we came around the bend, one of the agents Brian had previously talked to was there. We pulled over and she offered to show us some of the homes.

Now, this agent is the daughter of the builder, who is also the builder we had been hoping to build with down in Provo (but again, it was too much money). After explaining our financial situation, she told us about one property that might work for us. It has been lived in for a year, but is still for sale. This means the price could come down dramatically. And you know what? It was enough to get inside our budget!

So here we are, on Friday, signing paperwork for an entirely different home! But we are so excited. This is what we have been waiting for. Now we just have to get all the details worked out, and we would move in January. Nuts!!

1. coincidences/fate/luck...whatever you want to call it
2. autumn leaves
3. ward families

Teaser

2009-10-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

Keira and Grandma on the beach

Ok, for those of you keeping track, it has definitely been more than a week....but I was out of town, I swear!

I just spent two fabulous weeks with my parents in North Carolina. It was originally only supposed to be one week, but the weather was bad and it just wasn't enough time. I never realized how good it feels to extend a trip...I would have kept extending forever if I didn't have a husband back home who missed me so much =)

I suppose I don't really have a topic for this blog, but I have decided to pick up a practice from my sister, Kim...I will list three things for which I am grateful at the end of each post.

1. digital cameras
2. moderate amounts of will-power
3. thick blankets on cold nights

and some day soon when it is not late at night, I will post again about the trip in detail!

The Little Gym

2009-10-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Finally time to face forward!

I think I was more excited about it than Keira - she just want to pour juice on her feet

Being a big girl is totally exhausting!

We took Keira to a trial class at The Little Gym yesterday (no, I didn't take any pictures, which is why you get to see her in her new carseat instead). Since it was free, I figured it was worth a shot. Here is a rundown of Keira's class:

Warm-ups were about counting. This is a class for 10-19 month-old babies. None of whom know how to count. Kind of lame.

Next came exploration. Keira discovered a small tunnel to sit in. She proceeded to try to kick everyone else out so she could sit in it herself. When it was time to go explore other things, she kept climbing back into her tunnel to be alone.

We kind of skipped balance beam and a few other activities. Keira was busy in her tunnel.

By the time Miss Kaitlyn broke out the bubbles, Keira was walking the perimeter of the room, looking for an escape.

So did she have fun? Maybe. Will I pay $20 an hour for her to go once a week? Absolutely not.

Lesson learned.

RBS - Restless Baby Syndrome

2009-09-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

This is one of the only places she stays out of trouble...except when she takes off her diaper and gets poop all over - then I guess it's actually more trouble than usual (she only did it twice in one week...hopefully that was enough to get it our of her system) Sadly, I didn't get any pictures of the actual offenses

Is it wrong that I think it is so cute to give her a Slurpee and watch her get brain freeze?

Not that we needed more proof that she loves soda...

Sometimes she can get in the diaper bag and take things so quickly, I think she is practicing to be a pick-pocket. Little klepto.

This is one of her favorite games. It should be called something along the lines of "Let me take everything our of my drawers and throw it around the room so Mom has something to pick up"

So Keira is on the move. All of the time. She EXHAUSTS me! I only recall a handful of occasions in the last several months when she wasn't squirming or dancing or crawling or walking or climbing or falling...it's like she's got some sort of condition that makes her constantly move. So I have taken matters into my own hands and diagnosed her with Restless Baby Syndrome. Some of you might think I made that up. But you do not spend much time with my daughter. It is real. And it has taken over my life.

Welcome Back, me!

2009-09-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Keira is not a fan of the Tar Heels...

BUSTED! This girls LOVES her some soda

Beautiful in baby blue

So, I was going to try to catch up on everything that has happened since I last blogged (let's see, it's only been like almost 6 months...), but I decided it would probably just be easier to pick it up here. So here's where we stand:

Keira is now 13 months old. She has 14 teeth. She is learning to walk. She gets into everything. She is the cutest thing in the world. She eats everything in sight. She drinks her weight in crapple juice every day. She LOVES to dance. She beats up on our poor dog. She somehow manages to keep me constantly busy. And she is amazing.

I think that about sums it up!!

I promise to be better with this. I am setting a goal to post at least once a week - make me stick to it!!

2009-03-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

So, once again, it has been WAY too long between posts. Since I last took the time to update, Keira has started rolling everywhere and getting into everything, has 4 teeth, is learning to drink from a sippy cup, has started going to daycare at the gym 5 days a week (for 90 minutes so I can work my lazy buns out!), eats solid foods like a champ...

And has a new cousin! Kimmie had little Dorothy Mae Vieira on March 18th, after 30 hours of intense labor. I am so proud of her and so happy to report that everyone is healthy and the little one is gorgeous. The best part is that I will be headed out to see them in less than two weeks! Eva and her kids will also be there, so I'll get to spend a little time with my sisters, the first time with all of us being mommies.

And on a totally different note, I am starting a cupcake business! Baby Cakes Cupcakery will officially launch next week, offering 14+ different bite-sized options of delicious gourmet cupcakes. It took me a few weeks to get the recipes down, but I am pleased with the reactions I get from people when I pass out samples. We are working on logos and websites and all the marketing materials that go with starting a small business, but I will let everyone know when we are up and running. I already have several women waiting to place orders!

Life has been pretty stressful lately. Brian almost lost his job and has been working like an animal to try to build up his job security. Meanwhile, he is still in school for the next 3 months. So it leaves very little time for either of us to get a break or spend time together. But I know if we keep working hard and focusing on the future, we will look back some day and be grateful for our trials.

Ready to eat

2009-01-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

At Keira's 4-month well-baby visit, Dr. Freestone gave us the go-ahead to start solid foods any time. This was a relief, as my child had been eyeing my food for a few weeks. She almost seemed to reach out for a bite each time I ate in front of her, and it made me feel guilty to offer her a bottle instead. So what would be on the menu?

I offered rice cereal first. And I can't blame her for spitting it out...that stuff smells terrible! I had an apple sitting on the counter, so I steamed it, pureed it, and added a little rice cereal to thicken it up (yes, I realize just buying applesauce would have been easier, but I wanted to be able to say that I made it myself). She seemed okay with that, so I made a shopping list: pears, peaches, sweet potatoes, green beans, and peas. I spent a good part of a day making gourmet baby food and freezing it in ice cube trays. So convenient! Now I just have to pull a few cubes out at night and let them sit in the fridge overnight.

Her favorite by far has been sweet potatoes, but pears are a close second. She doesn't seem to like the green veggies quite as much, but I try to make a big deal about how yummy they are (even though I hate peas myself) and just keep trying them every other day or so. She's probably eating about 5 or 6 ounces of food daily, which definitely helps her sleep longer. Hurray!

And just to prove that she is growing up, Keira decided to cut her first tooth on New Years Day. Oh, and she has mastered rolling from her tummy to her back in both directions. She will be a mobile, solid-food-eating machine before we know it!

3 months and counting

2008-11-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

Keira is officially 3 months old! (well, at this point she is 3 months and 2 days, but who's counting?) She is probably around 11 pounds now and getting bigger by the minute. She is still wearing newborn clothes for the most part, but she is finally fitting into a few of her bigger clothes.

My sweet angel has been sleeping through the night for over a month now. She averages around 9 hours without waking, though her daytime naps are all over the place. I'm sure she'll get herself into a routine at some point, but for now she literally cat naps whenever she wants.

She is also eating more and more. I can't produce enough milk to satiate her, so we are supplementing with 1 or 2 formula bottles a day. If I can just keep this up until she starts solid food, we'll be good - then she won't be relying just on my boobs for food!

Brian has been much better with her lately. Now that she's a little more fun and less work, he enjoys playing with her and I get a break once in a while. I love watching the two of them coo and smile at each other. She is such a flirt! I should probably make him do more of the work, but he is so busy with work and school that I don't want to stress him out. Next baby though, he better watch out - I won't be able to do it on my own!

All in all, I am grateful that the "newborn" phase is over. But even as I type that, it makes me sad that she will never be that small again. So I will cherish her just as she is and be thankful for every moment.

I've been tagged

2008-11-11T13:47:00.001-08:00

I was tagged by both of my sisters on their blogs, so I figure I can't really get out of this. So the 4th picture in my 4th folder is...

This is Brian and I at Universal Studios in California. We had been married about 5 or 6 months at this point. We took this trip with Brian's family and also went to Disneyland and Knottsberry Farms. This was a good day...for the most part =)

And yes, Eva, I do need to update my blog. But I have to do it on Brian's computer because that's where all of the pictures are.

No time for blogging

2008-10-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok...I should have known that motherhood would mean no time for blogging. But I honestly didn't realize the time commitment it would be. Every free moment (which are few and far between) is filled with sleeping or cleaning or phone calls...there is always something to do. But this is no excuse - the world deserves to know what is going on in our lives!!

So Keira is almost 2 months old! She actually slept 7 1/2 hours straight last night (which would have been much better had I not had to get up several times to make sure she was still breathing!) This follows a few nights of TERRIBLE sleep, so it was very nice to be able to stay in bed for more than 30 minutes at a time. I do have to admit that I am looking forward to the day we have a predictable, regular sleep schedule again.

I swear our little girl changes every day! She is getting so big and so much more aware. She smiles - though it is usually at the ceiling fan or light, not so much people - she sucks on her little fingers, she coos and sings, she can entertain herself for several minutes at a time...she is forming a little personality!! Overall, she is a very content baby. But she LOVES being held and cuddled, so it can seem a little high-maintenance sometimes. However, I love holding her, so it usually works out.

If I have learned one thing over the last 8 weeks, it is that you don't have to try to follow advice, no matter how good the intentions may be. Everyone has a different experience with parenting - what works for one may be a disaster for another. Mothering instincts are amazing and if you trust yourself, you will usually figure things out pretty quickly. This is the best job in the world.

A lot like labor

2008-08-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I woke up feeling a little off. I thought maybe I had a UTI, so I called the doctor's office to see if I should come in. They told me to drop by and give a sample whenever I got the chance. But by the time I was ready to go, I was having intense pain in my back and side. I could barely lift the baby carrier to get Keira into the car. I still assumed that all I needed was a prescription for some antibiotics and I would be fine.

I got to the doctor's office (which is conveniently right next to the hospital) and struggled to get inside. I gave my sample and just wanted to get some meds so I could go home and lay down. But the nurse did not have good news. There was some blood in the sample, but no sign of infection. I was already in tears and struggling to breathe. She gave me a hug and told me to go straight to the Emergency Room - it could be a kidney stone.

On the short drive around the parking lot, I called Brian and told him I needed him at the hospital. I was having flashbacks to two weeks ago, the pain so closely resembled that of back labor. I got into the ER, registered, and was shown to a room. I changed into a gown and Brian showed up to comfort me and help with the baby. Because sitting was so painful, I stood and paced while waiting for the i.v., then struggled into the bed. Thankfully, I was soon comfortably numb with a small dose of morphine. (the only problem was that Keira needed to nurse and was soon also drugged - she slept the rest of the day!) I had a couple of x-rays and fell asleep, waking to good news. The doctor figured the morphine and anti-inflammatory meds they had given me had helped me pass the stone into my bladder and that I should be fine. I was given a stack of urine strainers and sent on my way.

And wouldn't you know it, the first thing I did when I got home was go to the bathroom - and there it was! The size and color of a Grape-Nut, I never imagined something that small could cause so much pain.

The first 2 weeks

2008-08-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how fast our little one is growing! She put on almost 11 ounces in her first week and continues to fill out. Here are some pics to keep you up-to-date!

The Thinker

Ready for her ride home from the hospital

We couldn't help ourselves!

Baby sneakers

All worn out

Cute outfit - thanks Heather!

Holding daddy's hand (or thumb)

Labor of Love

2008-08-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

Well, she's finally here. Little Keira Lynn Jackman made her appearance at 3:30 this morning, weighing in at 6 pounds 6 ounces and 19 inches long. She is perfect! And her delivery makes for a great story...

Starting at 8:30 a.m. Friday morning, I was having contractions every 5 minutes. They weren't productive, but strong enough to keep me from concentrating at work. So by 11:15 I took off and went home. My parents came to get me a little later and walked me around the mall. That got the contractions coming every 3 minutes, but still nothing productive. By about 8:30 p.m. we figured we should at least get checked, so we came to the hospital. Good news, I was 90% effaced. But bad news, I was only at a 1+ cm. It was frustrating to have been having contractions all day and still be that far away from delivery. The nurse gave me a shot of morphine and a sleeping aid and sent me home, telling me that she would probably see me before her shift was over.

We headed to my in-laws so I could relax in their big garden tub. I was probably in there for close to an hour, dozing off between contractions, which were getting stronger by the minute. I tried to sleep, but it was impossible. The contractions were right on top of each other and worse than ever. I sat hunched in the bathroom until I couldn't take it any more. I asked Brian to get his dad up so they could give me a blessing before we took off for the hospital. As soon as he said the word "amen," there was a warm leaking down my legs - my water had broken! We hurried to the car and drove the most miserable 5 minutes to the hospital. Brian pulled a wheelchair up to the door for me and we were rushed into a room.

At this point, I was near the end of my pain threshold. The nurse asked if I wanted an epidural and I almost caved in. She checked my progress...and I was fully dilated and she could see the head! So I decided to just go with it and have this baby. They paged the on-call doctor, but I had to start pushing before he showed up. I have to say that the staff here is incredible. Between them, my wonderful husband, and my mom, I had the greatest group supporting me and guiding me through the birth of my daughter.

After about 90 minutes of preparing and pushing, I felt the most exhilerating pain as the head crowned and emerged. One more big push and my baby was out! She is gorgeous! I was instantly in love, and so was her daddy. Watching him hold her was one of the greatest moments of my life. I was too exhausted to feel much pain, but I sure could feel joy.

Breathe in, breathe out

2008-07-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

In preparation for the big day, we attended a breathing and relaxation class last week. It mostly consisted of Brian giving me a massage and me closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. But I have to admit, it was pretty relaxing! While I'm sure both of us will panic and have no idea what to do when I actually do go into active labor, at least this gave us some ideas of what we can do to take my mind off the contractions and let my body do its thing.

I am also reading a book on the Bradley Method of husband-coached childbirth. Brian should probably be the one reading it, but I'm not sure he's very comfortable with the idea that I expect him to be my coach. He would probably much prefer me to have an epidural and not need him to do much. But if I have my way, there will be no epidural involved. And it's my body, so I think I should make the executive decision.

While I'm feeling pretty good for being 34 weeks pregnant, sleep has become nearly impossible. This is good practice for after Keira is born, when I will continue to get no sleep. I am honestly lucky to get a couple of consecutive hours of sleep at night, with long periods of tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable in between. This makes me grouchy and slow during the day - no wonder pregnant women get such a bad reputation!

Going natural?

2008-06-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

So the birth of our daughter gets closer every day, and I am finally having to come up with a tentative birth plan. The only thing I know for sure is that I am anti-epidural. I know that sounds crazy, but I am afraid of both the needle and losing control of my body more than I am afraid of the pain of childbirth. So I may just go natural. I have been reading up on the Bradley Method, we have a breathing class next week, and I am more and more sure every day that I will at least attempt to deliver my baby without medical interventions. This is not to say I will refuse drugs if the pain gets too bad! But the female body was created to give birth and I have a feeling I will be just fine.

It is incredible how excited I am to meet my little girl. Having held her in my tummy for 7 months, it will be amazing to hold her in my arms and be able to look into her eyes. I can't wait to kiss every part of her and watch her sleep. She will be my little companion for the next several years and I look forward to getting to know her.

False alarm

2008-06-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

So we had a little scare this week. I was walking to the mailbox at work and suddenly felt a good amount of fluid. It obviously wasn't enough to be my water breaking, but I was a little nervous that I may have sprung a leak. I called my mom, who had me call the doctor, who told me to go straight to labor and delivery.

On the way to the hospital, I called Brian. "Now, don't worry or freak out..." probably isn't the best way to start a conversation. But I didn't want to make a big deal out of it unless I knew it actually was a big deal. I just wanted to be safe rather than sorry.

The ladies at the hospital were wonderful. They made sure I was comfortable while I waited and then got me tucked into a clean, quiet room. I got strapped to a couple monitors and had an exam, which revealed that my fears were unfounded. Whatever I felt, it was most definitely NOT amniotic fluid.

While that was good news, I was also glad that I got to see the facility where I will most likely give birth. I was very impressed with the care and efficiency shown by the staff. So while it may have taken a little time out of my work day and made my family a little nervous, I think it was totally worth it.

Getting closer

2008-06-04T12:34:00.001-07:00

While this is certainly not my favorite picture in the world, it is finally showing my baby bump! I am looking more pregnant (and definitely FEELING more pregnant) every day. And that little girl can move! She seriously rarely takes a break. I am so afraid that she will never sleep after she is born! And the Braxton Hicks have started, which is an adventure. I can do a step class at the gym with no problem, but I seem to have a contraction every time I walk up the stairs at work...needless to say, I try not to walk up the stairs very often! The aches and pains are more frequent and more intense now, but it is so worth it knowing that I will be holding my little girl in just 2 1/2 months!

I know some of you will want to lecture me for painting while pregnant, but I wanted Keira's nursery to be absolutely perfect - and I'm kind of a control freak when it comes to painting the house. I had no idea how long this was going to take! The pink and brown stripes themselves weren't so bad - it was the tiny white stripes between them! So here are a few shots of the painting process, complete with the finished product and new crib.

Keira Lynn Jackman

2008-04-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's a girl!

Wednesday was one of the most exciting days of my life. I had no idea how neat the sonogram would be. I was so grateful to have Brian sitting next to me as the nurse brought the image up on the screen. The little fingers and toes were so perfect and so real. And her little face - while it did look somewhat like an alien - was proof that there is an actual tiny human in there.

And then came the big reveal. Both of us would have been absolutely shocked had we been told it was a boy, so it was no surprise when there was nothing in between the legs. And just like that, our baby had a name and we have a daughter. What a rush! That little life inside of me all of a sudden takes on a whole new meaning and purpose. I actually teared up just yesterday thinking about how I will spend the rest of my life wanting to give her everything I have. There is a powerful bond between parent and child, even before birth.

Catch-up

2008-04-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

So I obviously haven't written in a while. The morning sickness finally abated around week 14 or 15, and I am very grateful. It was becoming nearly impossible to function and making me dread the rest of the pregnancy. But it's been getting much more exciting.

We heard the heart beat for the first time several weeks ago. Brian's face was so precious when he realized what he was hearing. I got to hear it again at the last visit - and we have our sonogram next week! (there will obviously be a post dedicated to whether it is a boy or a girl)

I am also starting to show just a little...although it looks a little more like I've just decided to eat Twinkies and stop working out. I can see it the best first thing in the morning when I'm still in bed. As soon as I stand up it tends to hide, but not enough to let me fit in my regular pants comfotably anymore. I'm actually excited to "pop" so that people will know I am 20 weeks pregnant.

And my favorite part is that I can feel it moving in there. I think there was a case of the hiccups this morning, as it felt like he/she was doing summersaults for about 20 minutes. Right now it's cute and fun, but I can only imagine that it gets more uncomfortable as the baby gets bigger and has less space to move around in.

Well, that's about it for now. Wednesday morning we will know if we need to buy pink or blue paint for the nursery...and then we can seriously discuss some baby names!

All-day Sickness

2008-01-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

Who came up with the term "morning sickness"? Because whoever did never experienced it. "All-day sickness" is more like it. I have felt constantly nauseous for weeks now, and I'm starting to wonder how women make it through the first trimester of their pregnancies. This is ridiculous!

It was one thing when I felt a little sick. It was another when I threw up TWICE on the plane ride home from Christmas with my family. And it is entirely another now that I can hardly keep anything down. It seems every moment is a battle to try to keep something in my system. This can't be healthy, but everyone tells me its normal. I thought pregnancy was supposed to be about cravings and eating for two, not dry heaving and losing weight.

the test

2007-12-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

I've always heard that getting pregnant never happens on the first try - especially when coming off birth control. Well, we have managed to defy the odds! My mom was in town last week to send my little brother into the MTC. I wasn't even late yet, but thought it would be fun to take a test - you know, just in case. Even as I was waiting for the result, I assumed I was just wasting time and money. But two minutes later, a bright blue plus sign changed my life.

As of today I am 6 days late and have tested positive twice. I have only been late I think once my whole life, and that was by one day. So I'm pretty sure this is the real deal. Which means our baby is due August 22, 2008, and I am in the 5th week of my pregnancy. I am shopping for prenatal vitamins today (I know, I should have been taking them all along) and I will make an appointment to see the doctor for when I get back from Christmas with my family.

Life changes quickly, and with very little warning. But I am grateful for the perfect timing of some of the most amzing events in my life so far.

AFLAC (yes, like the duck)

2007-10-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

So we finally did it. We took a leap of faith and signed up for maternity insurance! The policy starts November 1st and there is a 30-day waiting period. So starting December 1st it's sweet, sweet baby-making time! (by the way, the adorable baby in this photo is our neice, Lily)

While Diana (my mother-in-law) is dying for a little granddaughter, Brian wants a boy. In fact, he wants a boy so much that we have marked the calendar with the days in December that we are most likely to conceive a boy. We've read about several techniques to increase fertility and improve our chances of getting pregnant - though we are not naive enough to think that it will definitely happen on the first try.

What I think is pretty funny is that I'm not sure Brian is ready to have kids. He actually seems terrified by the idea. But now that we are forking over $100 a month until I deliver, he wants to get this going as soon as possible! Plus, the faster we get pregnant, the bigger the payout will be in the end. Now that's capitalism.